When Fairytales Go Wrong
by anime animal
Summary: Mirror mirror on the wall, could this be the weirdest chapter of all? Snow Anju and the Seven Vertically Challenged People here for your reading pleasure.
1. Zeldarella the madness begins

When Fairytales Go Wrong: Zeldarella.

Disclaimer: If I had a fairy Godmother, I'd wish for Gamecube to be out in the UK so I could buy it with my Christmas money; I'd wish for a Zelda game to play on it with the nice grown up Link instead of the weird cartoony one and I'd also wish that I owned Zelda because I don't. And I don't own Cinderella, not that it makes any difference because the guy who does is some randomer whose name we don't know and is propping up daisies.

A.N: I have a confession to make. I have mislaid the floppy disk on which Simple Wish and Hyrule Tournament are saved on. I hold my siblings solely responsible for its disappearance and they will be interrogated and then tortured until I find it. In the mean time, I thought I'd fill the void with this extremely odd snippet of a story that I thought up. OK, maybe it's been ripped off from a fairytale we all know and love, but my mother had me mopping the floor today so I felt in the mood for it...

The scene: A small, blank room with costumes hanging on the wall. Picture if you will, three girls having an argument or rather two girls picking on another one.

Ruto: It's not fair _I wanted to be Cinderella!_

Malon: I wanted to be Cinderella!

Ruto: Malonella? It sounds like some kind of food poisoning...

Malon: Well it's better than Rutoella!

Zelda: Has nobody actually noticed that the story's called _Zeldarella?_

A.A: If anyone should be Cinderella it's me. 

All: Hunh?

A.A: Well think about it. What's my real name?

Ruto: Your Omnipotence?

Malon: Empress of the Universe?

Ganondorf: Mistress of our Humble Existences?

A.A: Ooh I like those. But no.

Zelda: It's Lucinda.

A.A: Yes, therefore Lucindarella. (Can't tell you how chuffed I was when I found that out!) Actually, if you want to get into something funny, I have the Cinder part in my name and my little sister has the Ella part so...

Link *appearing for the first time*: Can we get on with the casting please?

A.A: OK. Zeldarella will be Zelda.

Zelda: Told you!

A.A: Zeldarella's Evil and Nasty Stepmom will be...

Link: Julia Roberts!

Everybody: *snicker*

A.A: Um, no. Veran's going to be the Evil and Nasty Stepmother.

Veran: I see my true calling! I have shrugged off the bounds of evil and become a thesbian!

Malon: Nobody cares about your sexuality.

Link and Zelda: *snicker*

A.A: Riiight. Moving swiftly on, Malon and Ruto as the two Rather Unspecial and Spoilt Stepsisters Malonella and Rutoissmelly...

Malon and Ruto: Noooo!

A.A: Queens of Fairytales-Gone-Wrong Land will be Kotake and Koume!

Kotake and Koume: At last, world domination is ours!

A.A: Prince Charmless will be...

Link: Thankyou, thankyou...

A.A: Ganondorf.

Link: Thankyou... WHAT THE HELL?!

Ganondorf: Tee hee hee, I'm the Prince!

Zelda: You have _got to be kidding me._

A.A: The Fairy Oddmother is going to be...

Link: If it's me I'm not going to be a happy little elf.

A.A: Impa.

Navi and Tatl: NO FAIR! 

A.A: Prince Charmless' Valet is Link.

Link *sarcastically*: Whoop de doo.

A.A: Postman is Kaepora Gaebora and the Coachmen are Rauru and Darunia with Mido and Random-Rock-Shagging-Kokiri as footmen and Epona, Impa's random white horse, the horse at the Gerudo Firing Range, Ingo's horse that lost to Epona and the creepy horses that the Gorman brothers rode as the carriage horses. I think that's it. Right then, with the casting set we'll move towards the production of:

                                                                          ZELDARELLA!!

Well, let's just say that the in little kingdom of Fairytales-Gone-Wrong Land, things were very, very peculiar. Possibly the most peculiar thing that had happened was that one of the nobles had been killed by being unfortunately sat upon by a rather bulbous fish man named Zora and the deceased's lands were passed onto the deceased's wife Veran, who had two rather unspecial and spoilt daughters named Rutoissmelly and Malonella. (Don't ask me how that happened, the physics and biology are mind-boggling) Now the deceased (for he had no other name) had a rather pretty little daughter named Zeldarella. Actually, her name wasn't Zeldarella it was Zelda, but for some strange reason everybody seemed to love to call her that. This was Fairytales-Gone-Wrong Land after all. And actually, she wasn't rather pretty, she was what Fairytales-Gone-Wrong Land's prince would call a total knockout.

Fairytales-Gone-Wrong Land was ruled by a pair of bickering old sisters called Kotake and Koume, and they had but one son (Again, biology and physics are mind boggling...) named Prince Ganondorf. He was a right ugly poser and everybody in the kingdom called him Prince Charmless. Now, he was so totally repulsive and foul looking that the Queens decided that it was high time they forced some poor, wretched girl to marry him as  they wanted him out of the castle and married with ugly little grandbabies to eat. Hey, they're witches. What did you expect? 

Anyway, our story begins now...

Zeldarella can be seen mopping the floor... Or not.

Zelda: I refuse to participate in this! It's stupid!

A.A: Zelda, do you mind, we're kind of in the in the middle of the story...

Zelda: Well you can do it without me! I don't want to be Zeldarella.

A.A: Now don't start sulking...

Zelda: I'm NOT sulking! The only reason I agreed to do this was so that I could get a kiss from Link and now that's not going to happen because YOU made Ganondorf the prince! I QUIT!

A.A: Oi, c'mere. *Whispers in her ear*

Zelda: Ohhh...

A.A: Why else would it be called Fairytales-Gone-Wrong Land?

Zelda: Well OK, but if I have to lance boils on Ruto's feet then I'm outta here.

A.A: Alright. Now where were we?

Zeldarella can be seen mopping the floor...

Zelda: Oh joy, I am mopping the floor. And I'm not getting paid for it. Whatever happened to Elfin Rights?

The doorbell rings.

Zelda: I wonder who that can be?

Opens door. Look boys and girls, it's our friend Kaepora Gaebora, and he has a letter!

Kaepora Gaebora: Owl Post!

Zelda: Um, I think you're in the wrong fic. Harry Potter is in the 'Book' section.

K.G (coz I'm too lazy to type it again): Um no. Her Omnipotence is borrowing the term for a moment. She is not claiming to own Harry Potter as...

Zelda: OK, save that for the disclaimer section.

K.G: What are you doing?

Zelda: It would appear that I'm talking to you.

K.G: Yes, but you have a mop in your hand.

Zelda: Well, I was mopping the floor. You see, I am now a servant in my own home without so much as a paid holiday or a coffee break. Where is that weirdo Hermione Granger and her House Elf Liberation Front when you need her?

K.G: Oh for the love of Mike, this isn't a Harry Potter story!

Zelda: It's not my fault Her Omnipotence is an addict...

A.A *stops humming Harry Potter theme tune and puts down Goblet of Fire*: What was that?

Zelda: Never mind.

K.G: Anyway, I have a letter for you.

Zelda: Thanks very much.

K.G: I've gotta fly, I have a date with Hedwig!

Zelda *mutters*: This is beyond ridiculous. *starts to read letter* Their Royal Majesties, Queen Kotake and Queen Koume, request the pleasure of your company at a great big sparkly ball that they are throwing for their son Prince Ganondorf... *shudders violently*

A.A: Could you do that again and not shudder?

Zelda: I'm sorry, it's just thinking about him gives me the creeps and makes me suddenly have a great desire to hurl.

A.A: He's supposed to be a mysterious and enigmatic Prince...

Zelda: And yet his subjects call him Prince Charmless...

A.A: Point taken.

Zelda: Well, I'll try and not shudder this time.

Ruto: When do I come on?

A.A: Soon.

Zelda: Their Royal Majesties, yada yada yada... Prince Ganondorf *shudders violently* Sorry, I can't do it.

A.A: Oh well. Cue Malon and Ruto!

Malon and Ruto: Oh Zeldarella!

Zelda: It begins...

Ruto: Oh pathetic one who is so much more uglier than I, who was at the door?

Malon: Now Rutoissmelly, you know that's not right. It's either 'is so much uglier' or 'is so much more ugly'.

Veran: Oi you, who was at the door?

Zelda: Owl Post.

Malon to Ruto: I didn't know this was a Harry Potter fic...

Zelda: Argh!

Veran: So, what does the letter say?

Zelda *reciting* Their Royal Majesties Queen Kotake and Queen Koume request the pleasure of your company at a great big sparkly ball that they are throwing for their son Prince Ganondorf... 

Malon: Ooh he's sooo handsome!

Ruto, Zelda and Veran start to snicker. (let's count how many times I can put 'snicker' into this story...)

Malon: What? It's in the script!

Ruto: I'm sorry, somehow drooling over Ganondorf isn't quite the same as drooling over Link.

Malon, Ruto and Zelda: *sigh in a happy, daydreaming kind of way* Ohh Link.

Veran: Argh! Link! Ooh wait til I get my hands on that creepy little...

A.A: Veran, all disputes are to be settled after the play is over.

Veran: Oh alright.

A.A: Guys, could we try not to say the 'L' word when Veran and Ruto are about?

Malon: Why not when Ruto's about?

A.A: Cause she's drooling all over Zeldarella's clean floor.

Zelda: Oh crap! Do you have any idea how long I'd been cleaning that floor for?!

Veran: Right girls, let's get ready for the ball and go shopping. 

Malon and Ruto: Yay!

Veran: One of you two will become Queen of Fairytales-Gone-Wrong Land!

Malon and Ruto: Yay!

Veran: And Zeldarella won't be coming to the ball cause she's a big fat nobody!

Zelda: Yay! I mean, oh drat, what a pity. I am so upset that I think I am going to cry.

While Zeldarella is left mopping up Rutoissmelly's drool, the scene changes to the castle, where Ganondorf should be bitching to his mothers about the ball. But he isn't.

A.A: What's wrong now?

Link: We're on strike.

A.A: Oh for crying out loud... What's wrong now?

Link: Ganondorf refuses to wear tights.

A.A: And?

Link: I refuse to be his dogsbody.

A.A: Well, maybe if I told you this... *whispers in his ear*

Link: Ooh, interesting...

Ganondorf: I'm not wearing these tights!

A.A and Link: Get over yourself!

Ganondorf emerges wearing puffy pantaloons, a blue sparkly jacket and pink tights, as well as black shiny shoes with buckles and a cauliflower wig.

Ganondorf: How am I expected to have people quaking in fear when I'm dressed like this?

Link: You don't when you're dressed normally.

Ganondorf: Well you're hardly intimidating yourself Pixie Boy. 

Link: At least I look good in tights.

Malon, Ruto and Zelda: Mmm Hmm.

A.A: Get back to your scenes!

Ganondorf: I am so not enjoying this.

Link: I dunno, it's kinda fun.

Ganondorf: I suppose I do end up having a tongue sandwich with Zelda.

Zelda *offstage*: EWW!

Link: OK, really nasty imagery here.

A.A: Tell me about it.

Link: Well you wrote it!

A.A: If you don't stop being so mean to me then I'll not let that thing that I told you about happen.

Link: OK. I'm shutting up now.

A.A: Thankyou. Ganondorf, unless you start behaving yourself in this then you will be made to dress in drag and take Veran's part.

Ganondorf: Eep!

Link: Oh Prince Ganondorf, Prince of all Fairytales-Gone-Wrong Land, weren't you just complaining about your mothers to me?

Ganondorf: I was? Oh yes, I was. Do you know that having two mothers is really bad? I mean, I have no idea what to buy either of them at Mother's Day and their birthday is a nightmare...

Link: Yes, but what about the ball?

Ganondorf: The ball? What about it? I think it's a really good idea. I want a wife and what better way to get one than to have a ball with all the hunnies running around with their boobs all pushed up in those corsets, know what I'm sayin'? Heh heh heh!

Link slaps hand to forehead. Scene changes to Rutoissmelly and Malonella getting all dolled up in outfits that wouldn't look out of place in a Tarts and Vicar's Party (yes, I have watched Bridget Jones). They're little bodice/corset things like in Moulin Rouge but each have defining features: Rutoissmelly's is made of red PVC and Malonella's is white and fluffy so that she has become a Bunny Girl.

Ruto: Nobody's going to be able to resist me in this, it's pure bondage material.

Zelda: I don't see why you just don't go naked? You walk around with no clothes on half the time anyway...

Malon: Oh no, mine's much better. I have a fluffy bunny tail and these cute little ears and my fishnets are way nicer than yours.

Ruto: Don't say that word, you know it gives me nightmares!

Malon: What, FISHNETS?

Ruto: AHHHH!

Zelda: I think I'll be going downstairs now...

Veran: OK, and you can do all this washing and ironing and cooking before we get back.

Zelda: Oh lucky me.

Now the scene changes again and Zeldarella is sitting in front of the fire in her PJs, reading Cosmopolitan.

Zelda: Ice cream? Now why didn't I think of that? I should suggest some of these for the sequel to Hyrule Tournament...

A.A: Now you've spoilt the surprise! And why are you reading Cosmopolitan?

Zelda: Felicity left it here.

A.A: DON'T SAY THAT NAME IN MY PRESENCE! SHE IS THE OFFSPRING OF SATAN, GANONDORF AND ANNE ROBINSON ALL PUT INTO ONE PERSON!

Zelda: Sor-ry. Man, I hope she doesn't read this after what you just put.

A.A: No chance of that happening. I'm a freak remember, nobody cares about my stories. *sniff*

Zelda: Maybe you should read this, it's got some very interesting suggestions...

A.A: I'm not sure whether or not a lemon is going to be appropriate in a story involving invading serpent warriors... I shouldn't have said that.

Zelda: Well, maybe you should just finish Hryule Tournament.

A.A: I _can't find the disk. I swear Eleanor knows more than she's letting on..._

Zelda: We have company.

A.A: Oh. Right, carry on.

Zelda: Oh boo hoo, I am left here all alone while my stepsisters are dancing with that studmuffin Prince Ganondorf *shudders* Don't look at me that way, I just can't do it!

Impa: Ding dong, Fairy Oddmother calling!

Zelda: But you don't look odd, Fairy Oddmother who looks just like Impa...

Impa: No? Well I'm not a Fairy, that makes it pretty odd.

Zelda: True.

Impa: Well Zeldarella, with the aid of my magic Ocarina that I stole from the Skullkid, who stole it from Link who you gave it to after he gave it to you after you gave it to him after...

Zelda: I get the picture.

Impa: How much do you want to go to the ball Zeldarella?

Zelda: About as much as I want to get my period on my wedding night.

A.A: I'll warn you with what I warned Link...

Zelda: Oh OK. I want to go to the ball more than life itself!

Impa: Well in that case, allow me to play the Song of Making Dreams Come True.

The Fair Oddmother plays what sounds remarkably like S-Club 7's 'I've Never Had A Dream Come True' and Zeldarella is transformed into a really gobsmackingly beautiful dress, just like a proper Cinderella dress with big puffy skirts and three-quarter length sleeves that have lacy bits at the end and bows and a tight corset that gives the wearer a decent cleavage. I'm sorry, I really love those big costumes.

Zelda: Oh WOW! Oh this is so COOL! And I don't have a cauliflower wig!

Impa: And if you look outside, you'll see that I have for you a carriage that I stole from Romani Ranch, six horses that I have borrowed for the night, two fat coachmen and two Kokiri kids as footmen.

Zelda: How is the carriage going to move if Rauru _and Darunia are in it?_

Impa: Hey, how did I transform your PJs into a beautiful dress by playing S-Club 7?

Zelda: Point taken.

Impa: Well, get going! But be back before midnight otherwise you'll be left dancing in your undies.

Zelda: I somehow doubt Ganondorf that is going to disapprove of that.

Right, now we move onto the castle, and everybody is dancing and being merry... Kotake and Koume are looking depressed as Ganondorf dances with Rutoissmelly.

Kotake: I hate fish, too many bones.

Koume: Ooh, me too, and they smell. I don't like the look of Ranch Girl either, too chickeny. 

Kotake: Why can't he find a nice fat girl and have nice big fat grandbabies for us to eat?

Link is looking extremely bored as every girl is looking at him and are unable to contain their drool.

Link: *singing* One day I'll fly away...

A.A: Link, quit singing and look interested. 

Link: Look, I'm bored. I am so bored. I might even start peeling back layers of my own skin so that I can stop being bored.

A.A: Ick.

Link: Where's Zelda?

A.A: You mean Zeldarella?

Link: No, I mean Zelda.

A.A: I left her with the Fairy Oddmother.

Link: This story is so weird that I am scared of you.

A.A: Be thankful that I'm not Misty Dawn, then things really would be odd with a capital O. (I'd like to say that all of Misty Dawn's humour stories have me laughing my butt off and if this fic was even close to being funny as all hers I'd die a happy anime animal. If you haven't read any of them, then do! Just do it!)

Zeldarella enters. Everybody stops and stares at her.

Zelda: Hello, I'm here!

Ganondorf: Oh wow, I have to contain myself or part of me is going to spontaneously combust and I'm sure you don't need to know which part that is...

Link: Why have you made him such a gutterminded pervert?

A.A: I thought it would be funny.

Zelda: OK, so I'm here. And it's dull and oh crap Ganondorf is walking straight towards me.

Ganondorf: Hi gorgeous. Where have you been all my life?

Zelda: For most of it I wasn't born.

All: Ooh.

Ganondorf: Y'know, heads turn when they see your face.

Zelda: And stomachs turn when they see yours.

All: Ahh.

Ganondorf: I haven't been able to take my eyes off you.

Zelda: I know, I just found your eyeballs in my cleavage.

Link: Zelda 3, Ganondorf 0.

Ganondorf: You knock me dead with your looks.

Zelda: You knock me dead with your breath.

Kotake and Koume: Ouch.

Ganondorf: I want to give myself to you.

Zelda: I'm sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

Ganondorf: OK, I can see I'm going to have to call in the heavy artillery.

Zelda: Bring it on.

Ganondorf: Fancy a quick one?

Zelda: What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

Link *snickers*: Buzz off creep!

Ganondorf: How about you and me get together sometime?

Zelda: I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

Link walks up to her as she walks away from Prince Charmless. They pause and look at each other. Violins strike up. The clock strikes twelve and as she is running away,  Zeldarella's glass slipper falls off her foot. Ganondorf runs up to the shoe and sniffs it.

Link: You need help.

Malon: Undoubtedly.

Ganondorf: Ah my little snookums who I am in passionate and unrequited love with, where have you gone?

Kotake and Koume: Ganondorf, just try the Goddam shoe on every girl in this room and find a wife so we can eat our grandbabies.

Ganondorf: And so I shall!

Link: I'll go look for her...

He runs away very quickly. Everybody tries on the shoe.

Ganondorf: Ew, you have webbed feet!

Ruto: I'm a Zora for crying out loud! I'm an amphibian!

Ganondorf: Ew, you have ginger hair!

Malon: Speak for yourself!

Ganondorf: Ew, you have the feet of a woman who overcomes the bodies of helpless Oracles and Queens!

Veran: You can tell that just by looking at my feet?

It's now six o'clock in the morning. Everybody is shattered. Ganondorf is double-checking everybody's feet.

Ganondorf: Wait a minute, where's Link gone?

Malon and Ruto start drooling at the use of the 'L' word and Veran looks like she's going to explode.

Ruto: We must find him!

Malon: Yes, our future happiness is at stake here!

Ruto: Then let us quest until we find our beloved!

Malon: Agreed!

They set off in search of their one true love with Ganondorf looking for his. They walk past a big velvet curtain and it suddenly starts to giggle.

Ganondorf: Sweetie pie!

Malon and Ruto: Link!

Ganondorf: Let me draw back the curtain and set my eyes upon my beautiful snookums!

Malon and Ruto: Oh sweet mother of pearl!

Link and Zeldarella are making out behind the curtain.

Zelda: Do you mind?

Link: Kind of busy right about now guys...

Ganondorf: Snookums! Nooo!

Ruto and Malon: Linky-winky! Nooo!

Ganondorf: But why? Why would you want him?

Zelda: Because he's hot.

Link: The feeling is more than mutual.

Ganondorf: But I'm a Prince!

At that moment, who should appear boys and girls but our old friend Kaepora Gaebora!

K.G: Zeldarella, I have great news!

Zelda and Link: What?

K.G: You are actually a Princess, who has a highly successful videogame series named after her and it looks like you are now the Queen of Hyrule as your father was sat upon by King Zora!

All: Gasp!

Zelda: Well, I guess that settles it. I'm a Princess so I don't need to marry you Ganondorf! I'll marry Link and live happily ever after!

Link: Hooray!

Malon, Ruto and Ganondorf: NOOOOOOOOO!

                                                                                          THE END

A.A: Well now, aren't you glad that you weren't the Prince?

Link: Very.

A.A: And aren't you glad that you were Zeldarella?

Zelda: Very.

A.A: So what are you going to do now?

Zelda: We're going to go and try out some of the new things I learnt reading She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's Cosmopolitan.

Link: Because I've been a very bad boy.

A.A: Oh Lord. I had better not tell them that I might do another When Fairytales Go Wrong story if I get enough reviews asking for it...

All: WHAT?!


	2. Linkladdin and the madness continues

When Fairytales Go Wrong: Linkladdin and his Wonderful Ocarina (?)

Disclaimer: Nope, still not owning Zelda yet. Nor Aladdin, that's Disney territory. Hand on a minute, who the Hell wrote 1001 Arabian Nights? Help.

Oh yeah, I do own a box of McVities Jaffa cakes, but my bro has the rights to eat them, cause he's bigger than me and can beat me up. Um, ultimately McVities own Jaffa Cakes though.

The scene: A dressing room with puffy Arabian trousers hanging up. People sitting there and talking, Link and Zelda making out in a corner.

A.A: Can someone throw a bucket of water over them?

Ruto throws bucket of water over them.

Link and Zelda: Hey!

A.A: Now that I have your attention, it's now time for the story to begin. All exits have been locked and the windows made of shatterproof glass with steel bars to prevent your escape.

Ganondorf *tugging at steel bars*: Rats.

A.A: After so many happy people enjoyed Zeldarella...

Link: I know I did.

Zelda: *giggles*

A.A: I've decided to do a new fic. This time, it's Aladdin, or Linkladdin.

Link: Yay, I get the lead!

A.A: Here's the cast. Link as Linkladdin.

Link: Psychic.

A.A: Nabooru as Princess Nabsmine.

All except Nabooru: WHAT?!

A.A: Well if any of you took the time and effort to leave large amounts of money under my pillow with a little note with who it's from then maybe you'd get the parts you want.

Nabooru: Hee hee hee.

A.A: And she's already got the costume. Tingle as the Evil Sorcerer Jaffa Cake.

Link: Now that's just WRONG.

Zelda: And extremely disturbing.

Tingle: Tingle Tingle Kooloo Limpah!

All: AHH!!

A.A: NOOOOOO! PLUUUUM!

Faithful labrador Plum runs into room and starts to maul Tingle's leg.

Zelda: Cool dog.

A.A *beams*: Thanks, I trained her myself. OK, so now that we're bad guy-less I guess we'll just make Rauru Jaffa Cake.

Rauru: Mmm, Jaffa Cakes...

Impa: When will this madness end?

A.A: Ganondorf as the Sultana.

Ganondorf: No way.

A.A: Oh great. Why not?

Ganondorf: A Sultana is the Sultan's wife. I'm not dressing in drag.

A.A: No it's not, it a raisiny thing.

Ganondorf: Sultan's wife.

A.A: Raisin.

Ganondorf: Sultan's wife!

A.A: Raisin!

Ganondorf: SULTAN'S WIFE!!!

A.A: RAISIN!!!

Two hours later...

A.A: RAISINRAISINRAISINRAISINRAISIN!!!

Zelda: Oh for goodness sake, it means BOTH!!!

anime animal and Ganondorf look at her weirdly.

Zelda: Well it does...

A.A: Whatever, Ganondorf is being the Sultana and he will be forced to dress in drag as he did not respect my authoritah!

Malon: Who let Cartman in?

Ruto: Not me.

A.A: Magic carpet will be borrowed from the creepy trader guys in the Desert Collossus. Linkladdin's pet fairy will be...

Link: Woah, wait a minute, did you say _fairy?_

A.A: Yes.

Familiar fairy music strikes up.

Link: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Navi: Hello!

Zelda: Great, just great. Do you realise how much therapy he needed after Ocarina of Time just because of that lightbulb on wings?

Navi: Link! Watch out! Hey! Listen! Link! Watch out! Hey! Listen!Link! Watch out! Hey! Listen! Link! Watch out! Hey! Listen!

Link: Makeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstop!

Zelda: Link, put on the Don Gero mask!

Link does and a large green frog hops in and eats Navi, followed by two others.

Frog1: Bud

Frog2: Weis

Frog3: Er

Frogs hop out again.

A.A: OK, so Tingle was mauled by my dog and Navi has been swallowed by the Budweiser frogs. Mr Miyamoto is going to kill me.

Link: Do I have to have a pet fairy?

A.A: No, I'll just give you a pet... *starts looking around room* I'll give you a pet monkey! Linkladdin will have a pet monkey. The question is, which monkey?

Zelda: Give him a Majora's Mask monkey, they're cute!

Ganondorf: How about Donkey Kong?

Link: Do you honestly expect me to carry _Donkey Kong around on my shoulder?_

Ganondorf: Of course not, only _real men can do that._

Link: And I suppose you're a real man.

Ganondorf: Well actually I'm computer generated polygons formed into the shape of a man for video games purposes but for the sake of the argument, yes. 

Link: Prove it.

Ganondorf: Alright then I will. Staring match. Winner gets to have Zelda.

Link: Oh I've _had Zelda, if ya know what I'm sayin'..._

Ganondorf: Screw what I said earlier, you are a man. You are unquestionably 'Da Man!'

Girls look at Zelda in horror. 

Zelda: What?!

Ruto: *cries*

Impa: Oh my.

Zelda: Ohhh, yeah. Come on people, have none of you read Daughter's Duty or Simple Wish?

A.A: You've read it?

Zelda and Link *grinning at each other*: We needed inspiration.

A.A: ...

Ruto: Are you going to do a lemon with me and Link?

A.A: Hell no!

Ruto: Why not?

A.A: You're a fish! Get over yourself! You're a very scary and freaky person and I don't like you! If it had been up to me, I would have left you to Barinade you scary, naked FISH FREAK!

Ruto: There's not need to be rude.

A.A: There's every need to be rude, your existence insults me!

Ruto runs off crying.

Saria: That was mean.

Malon: Yeah, we all hate her but we don't go and make her cry!

Link: You know the flooding that happened in Canterbury last winter?

You, The Reader: NO.

A.A: Yes.

Link: Well that's what happens in Hyrule once Ruto starts to cry. Thanks to you, many innocent Stalkids and Peahats have been forced to evacuate their homes.

Zelda: Didn't you kill those?

Link:...

A.A: Back to the casting. Cute Majora's Mask Monkey as Linkladdin's pet monkey Mr Burrows.

All: Mr Burrows?!

A.A: OK, it's a funny story. He was my old Spanish teacher, and on our timetables his initials were ABU because we already had an AB and so we all called him Mr Abu and... you don't find this amusing do you?

All: No.

A.A: I didn't either, but Dominique 'I'm so full of crap' Fraser found it hilarious.

Saria: You like bitching about your 'friends' to us, don't you?

A.A: Only the people I grudgingly call acquaintances. By the way Link, I need you to beat someone up for me.

Link: No problem.

A.A *in a Mr Burns from the Simpsons sylee*: Excellent.

Zelda: Casting?

A.A: OK, Zelda as the Zellie of the Ocarina and the whole of Gerudo Valley and the Pirate's Fortress as the palace guards. OK, that's about it. Places everybody!

                               LINKLADDIN AND HIS WONDERFUL OCARINA!!        

It is a lovely sunny day in Fairytales Gone Wrong Land. The sun is shining, the birds are singing and the palace guards... are screaming in an oestrogen fuelled frenzy.

Guards: There he is, don't let him get away!!

It becomes readily apparent that the guards are chasing after the very gorgeous Linkladdin, who is looking very amused and none too upset about being chased by the guards.

Link: Should I let them catch me Mr Burrows?

Monkey: Why would you want to do that?

Link: Because they'll probably want me to perform sexual favours for them.

Zelda: PLAYER!

A.A: Get back in your Ocarina!

Link: I'm just acting Zelda, you know that all of the Gerudo except Nabooru love Ganondorf!

Monkey: Which is why they want Link to perform sexual favours for them.

A.A and Link: Shut up!

Guards eventually catch up with Linkladdin.

Guard1: We've got you now!

Guard2: Now we're going to take you back to the dungeon and make you our slave for the rest of the day.

Guard3: And we're going to cover your body with ice cream and forget about spoons.

Zelda: ARGH BITCH GET AWAY FROM MY MAN!

A.A: Get back in your Ocarina!

Link: Gee girls, that's nice of you but I'm kind of allergic to ice cream...

Guard3: Yoghurt.

Link: And yoghurt...

Guard3: Liquid chocolate.

Link: And liquid chocolate and pretty much any food type that you're going to suggest covering my body with. Sorry about that.

Guard4: We'll just throw you in the dungeon then and you can rot.

Link: Oh, you girls spoil me.

Linkladdin is taken to the castle dungeons, but as he is dragged willingly to the dungeons a crazed figure jumps out in front of them. It's the lovely Princess Nabsmine!

Nabooru: HALT!

Guards: Hail Oh Exulted Nabooru!

A.A: NABSMINE! IT'S NABSMINE!

Nabooru: It's not my fault that I've got them so well trained. They don't know how to act.

Zelda: So they were flirting with Link! They are soooooooo dead!

A.A: Get back in your Ocarina!

Link: Zel, I promise I'll wish them into mushrooms for you, OK?

Zelda: *all smiles* OK!

Zelda vanishes.

A.A: Now why didn't I think of that?

Link: Cause I'm the greatest.

A.A: Now where does one purchase an ego deflater?

Link: Hunh?

A.A: Back to the story peeps!

Link: Oh alright. Nabs, it's your line.

Nabooru: It is? Oh right, it is. Right. OK.

A.A: Do you even know your line?

Nabooru: Er...

A.A: "Release that man, for I am deeply in love with him!"

Link: Aww, I never knew you cared...

Zelda: Why is everyone flirting with my man?!

A.A: Oh crap. Forget it. Nabooru, just order them off Link, OK?

Nabooru: Oh, OK. Guards, get back from him otherwise I'm not taking you to see Lord of the Rings again so we can drool over Legolas.

Guards: NOOOOO! We give up!

Nabooru: Now Legolas is a man who makes me go to sleep with a smile on my face.

A.A: Mmm hmm...

Link: *waving* Hello, Link's still here ladies...

Guard3: Guys, isn't one of us supposed to say that we can't let him go?

Other guards stare at her blankly.

Guard4: Why would we want to do that?

Guard2: Yeah, we have to see Orlando!

Link: Has no-one noticed that I'm _still here?_

A.A: OK, assorted Gerudo ladies present, I promise we'll go and see the movie after we've finished this, OK? But for now, can someone please say "I'm sorry, but our orders come from Jaffa Cake."

Zelda: *from off stage* I'm sorry but our orders come from Jaffa Cake.

A.A: Thank you.

Gerudo ladies drag Link off with Zelda growling in the background. Nabooru is glaring and then shrugs.

Nabooru: How was that?

A.A: Spectacularly crap.

Nabooru: Oh.

We are now in the Royal Palace where the evil sorceror Jaffa Cake is eating masses of McVities Jaffa Cakes.

Rauru: Mmm mmm mmm, Jaffa Cakes...

Nabooru: Jaffa Cake!

Rauru: *spraying Jaffa Cake crumbs* Wot?

Nabooru: Hey, mind the clothes!

Rauru: Sorry.

Nabooru: You arrested a very gorgeous man this afternoon and I didn't want you to because I thought he was very sexy and I wanted to marry him and spend every afternoon getting Jiggy with it!

Rauru and Nabooru suddenly start singing along to Will Smith and doing the dance.

A.A: Oh my god...

Rauru's belly starts wobbling around so much that it starts to knock the Jaffa Cakes off the table and Nabooru falls on the floor.

A.A: Holy cow, look at that cellulite go!

Monkey: I'd rather not.

A.A: How'd you get here?

Monkey: Followed you. I have to get Link out of the dungeon, remember?

A.A: 'Spose so.

Monkey: Besides, Zelda's paying me in peanuts to make sure that none of the Guards get too frisky when they frisk him.

A.A: Good grief.

Nabooru: Jaffa Cake, you're really horrible. I want you to let the sexy boy out so I can...

A.A: Stop it! Please, just say the lines and don't ad lib.

Nabooru: Do I have to?

A.A: YES!

Nabooru: Oh OK. What's my line?

A.A: Call the Sultana.

Nabooru: Oh Daddy!

Silence. Tumbleweed blows across the floor.

Nabooru: Daddy?

More silence. Coyote howls in the background.

Nabooru: Ganondorf!

Zelda: Um, he's gone on strike.

A.A: Not again. OK, you hideous Ginger Minger (_pronounced Ging urr Ming urr a la the Cindz-Bez-Migs dictionary) get your ass in gear and in here right now!_

Ganondorf: No.

A.A: I know what I'll do...

Nabooru: What?

A.A: Ganondorf, Zelda's taking her clothes off in here!

Zelda: I am not!

Ganondorf comes bolting into the room. He's dressed in typical belly dancing attire and this reveals...

Monkey: Oh my god, he has an outy belly button!

A.A, Nabooru and Rauru: AHHH!

Ganondorf: Where where where... Oh crud.

Nabooru: Love the get up, G-man.

Ganondorf: Shut up now or I blow you up.

Nabooru: Eep!

Ganondorf: Anyway, what were you bitching about?

Nabooru: Oh. Daddy, Jaffa Cake imprisoned a really hot guy and I want him let free.

Ganondorf: *monotonously* Jaffa Cake, let Linkladdin go.

A.A: OK, as much as I love the whole monotone thing in a guy...

Monkey: The girl fantasises over Heero Yuy...

A.A: Him _and Orlando Bloom! Don't forget Orlando!_

Ganondorf: Do my monotones turn you on then?

A.A: Hell no. You're repulsive!

Ganondorf: *sniffs*

A.A: Oh boy.

Rauru: Sorry, it's too late. I changed him into a box of Jaffa Cakes and then ate them all.

Nabooru: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Nabooru runs away crying and Ganondorf runs after her. Rauru starts laughing.

Rauru: Heh heh heh, the fools. Soon, I will have the magic Ocarina and then the whole of Fairytales Gone Wrong Land will be mine. Mwah ha ha ha ha!

A.A: Very convincing Rauru, I'm impressed.

Rauru: Thankyou. I can do more.

A.A: Please do.

Rauru: And then, I will turn the whole world into a giant Jaffa Cake! Mwah ha ha ha ha!

A.A: OK, that just totally spoilt it.

We cut to a scene where Link is walking across a desert.

Link: So here's the deal, Linkladdin fans. Mr Burrows broke me out of the dungeon after some really fat guy told me where I could find a cave with a magic Ocarina in it. So, I am now looking for this cave so I can use the magic Ocarina to wish for...

A.A: What?

Link: A lifetime's supply of...

A.A: Link, please don't say it. There are little people present.

Indicates Saria and Mido, who are playing Super Smash Bros Melee in the background.

Mido: Die Link die!

Saria: Um Mido, you're playing as Link.

Mido: D'oh!

Link: I was going to say a lifetime's supply of flowers so I could send them to Zelda everyday.

Zelda: Aww...

Link: *to himself* I am so gonna get laid tonight.

Link trips over something in the sand.

Link: Ow!

It turns out that Link has tripped over a very shiny and attractive magic Ocarina.

Link: What's this? *reads the large sign above the Ocarina* "A very shiny and attractive magic Ocarina."

Rubs the Ocarina. Nothing happens.

Link: Er...

A.A: It's an Ocarina. I think you play it.

Link: OK.

Link puts the Ocarina and plays 'It's a Kind of Magic' by Queen. There is a big puff of smoke and Zelda appears wearing...

Link: Oh my God, it's my biggest fantasy come to life!

Zelda is wearing an outfit similar to that gold bikini thing that Princess Leia wears in Return of the Jedi.

Zelda: I am the Zellie of the Ocarina and I can grant any wish you desire.

Link: I know what I'm desirin' right about now.

Zelda: So I see.

A.A: People...

Zelda: But what about Princess Nabsmine, who loves and adores you?

Link: Oh right.

Zelda: So?

Link: So I wish she'd leave me alone so that you and I can hang out in Barbados.

Zelda: Is that an official wish?

A.A: No!

Link: Yes!

Zelda twitches her nose a la Bewitched and transports Link and herself to Barbados.

Zelda: Any more wishes?

Link: Yeah. I wish for you to keep that bikini.

Zelda: Granted.

Link: And thirdly, I wish for you to... *whispers in her ear*

Zelda: Oh my! *giggles*

A.A: Oh God, dare I ask?

Zelda: No you may not, not until you're twenty one.

A.A: Since when did you start ordering me around?

Zelda: Well, you've been mean to me.

Link: And me.

A.A: When?

Link and Zelda glare at anime animal.

A.A: Oh yeah. But guys, what about Nabsmine and her cross dressing father? Shouldn't you rescue them?

Flashback to palace where Rauru has Nabooru and Ganondorf tied to poles in front of a large TV set. Rauru is holding a remote control in one hand and a large box of Jaffa Cakes in the other.

Ganondorf: You wouldn't...

Rauru: Wouldn't I?

Nabooru: You fiend! Please please PLEASE spare me and my poor father the torture you are about to place on us!

Rauru: *rubs chin* Hmm. No.

Presses a button on the remote control and voila! The world's most nauseatingly sickening and repulsive purple dinosaur's never ending video tape!

Nabooru: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Ganondorf: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Barney: I love you, you love me, we're a happy family...

Nabooru and Ganondorf: Makeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstop!

Rauru: Let me think... Nope! *turns attention to Jaffa Cakes* Mmm, Jaffa Cakes...

Back to Barbados.

Link and Zelda: Nah!

A.A: OK then.

Link: Zellie, will you oil my back?

Zelda: Just your back?

A.A: ...

THE END!

Saria: I don't know what you guys thought, but that was scary.

You, the Reader: Mmm Hmm

A.A: So, I guess that means that you won't want another one?

You, the Reader: I didn't say that!

Link: Oh please, we really like this stuff! Insanity is such a refreshing change from...

Zelda: Treacherous mothers, Serpent men, miscarriages, premature births, army gruel, sex...

Link: HEY!

Zelda: Well, maybe not.

Link: Definitely not when it's you and me, but I draw the line at Ruto.

Zelda: And Epona.

Link: And E... WHAT THE HELL?!

Zelda: It's true! I saw it!

A.A: God that made me want to hurl.

Link: You read it?

A.A: OK, so I read the start and I thought 'Hey, Epona's eye view!' But when you took of your clothes...

Link: It wasn't me! She's a horse!

A.A: ... I had to run away. I mean, I thought sheep and Welshmen was bad...

Link: Oh gross!

A.A: It gave me an inexplicable desire to see where my brother was and if my horses were OK.

Zelda: OK, didn't want to know that. 

Saria: What's sex?

A.A: I knew this would happen, I just knew it! Here I am, _trying to write a wholesome family fic..._

Link: Whatever you say Miss NC-17.

A.A: You got a problem with that?

Zelda: Of course he doesn't. *whispers* He's hentai.

A.A: You guys just see these fics as a way to get laid don't you?

Link and Zelda: Hell yeah!

A.A: Do you people want more? R 'n' R folks!

Ganondorf: Somebody, help us please! Rauru left the Barney tape playing!

Nabooru: *in a daze* I love you, you love me, we're a happy family...

Ganondorf: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	3. Snow Anju and the Seven Vertically Chall...

When Fairytales Go Wrong: Snow Anju and the Seven Vertically Challenged People.

Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda. I own nothing of importance.

An apology: Reading through the reviews, it came to my attention that someone took offence at the joke in the last instalment regarding Welshmen and sheep. I would like to inform him/her that I meant it only in good nature and that I by no means am prejudiced towards the Welsh population. In fact my uncle is Welsh and he makes more jokes regarding sheep than I do. I am hurt that you considered me to be racist as a result of one harmless little joke, I didn't mean to cause offence and would like to apologise if anyone took any from what I said. However, I did think that you (???) were very mean about Harry Potter, which I happen to like very much, and think that calling him Harry Potthead was mean and insulting. I am aware that he is not actually a real person, but I still think that it was an uncalled attack on a great literary figure.

The Scene: A small, square room where everyone is sitting drinking various assortments of coffee. Ganondorf is reading the script.

Ganondorf: What?! Snow Anju?

Anju: Yes?

Ganondorf: Well this is certainly different...

A.A: Yes, Zelda and Link had other business to attend to.

Ruto: Let me guess, they're at it _again. _

A.A: No.

Malon: They're about to go at it _again._

A.A: No.

Ganondorf: They're taking a rest before they go at it _again._

A.A: No. 

Saria: They missed their plane from Barbados because they were at it _again._

A.A: You explain sex to a perpetual ten year old and it crops up everywhere. NO!

Impa: They've gone to a clinic because after going at it so much they think that Zelda might be pregnant.

A.A: Um, no. As you all know, NC-17 stories have been scrapped, which means that there are no more lemons.

Everyone: WHAT!?

Malon and Ruto: Yay, no more Zelink Lemons!

A.A: It means no lemons for anyone. So, Link and Zelda have gone to attend counselling in order to overcome their shock. I am saying no more on the subject.

Ganondorf: But, what about the lemons? What happens to us poor deprived people who have never been in one of your lemons?

A.A: I know nothing, I am from Barcelona...

Everyone: Hunh?!

A.A: Fawlty Towers? Manuel? Misther Fawlty, Misther Fawlty? CYBIL!

Malon: How many red M&Ms has she had?

Ruto: I don't know, she's been at the Skittles again.

A.A: Philistines. How can you not know Fawlty Towers?

Saria: We live in Hyrule, we don't have BBC.

Ganondorf: Or any sort of TV for that matter.

A.A: Oh the horror!

Kafei: Story?

A.A: Hmm? Oh yeah, casting people!

Everyone bolts for the nearest exit but stop as they get electrocuted.

A.A: May I take this opportunity to remind you that your electric tags to prevent you from wandering have been activated...

Malon: Drat.

A.A: OK, here goes. Snow Anju is being played by Anju.

Anju: I'm sorry, I really am.

Ruto and Malon glare.

A.A: Naturally, her prince will be Kafei, in adult mode.

Kafei: Yay!

A.A: The wicked queen will be played by Impa.

Ganondorf: What? Impa has no malice in her whatsoever!

A.A: What's your point Carrot Top? Do _you want to be the queen?_

Ganondorf: Um no, carry on.

A.A: Thankyou. Ruto's going to be the mirror.

Ruto: I am?

A.A: Yes, you're mirror coloured.

Ruto: Oh well, at least I'm not a dwarf!

A.A: In the interests of political correctness, we cannot refer to them as dwarves. They must be vertically challenged people.

Impa: And she still has her addiction to Lord of the Rings and will probably call them Dwalin, Balin, Kili, Fili, Dori, Nori, Ori, Oin, Gloin, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Thorin and Gimli.

Saria: Oh. But that's fourteen dwarves. I thought there were meant to be seven...

A.A: OK chill out, I _am addicted to Lord of the Rings but it's purely because of the elves._

Ganondorf: Oh yes, especially that blonde haired pansy that looks like a cross dressing Link...

anime animal flies at Ganondorf in a blind rage.

A.A: HOW DARE YOU CALL MY FUTURE HUSBAND A PANSY AND A CROSS DRESSER, YOU SATANIC OFFSPRING OF ANNE ROBINSON AND GINGER SPICE!!!

Ganondorf: Ow...

Saria: Besides, what's wrong with guys having long hair?

A.A: NOTHING!! Some of the cutest guys in anime have long hair. Namely Duo...

Ganondorf: Isn't your addiction involving the other one?

A.A: Yeah, but that doesn't mean the others aren't cute. And I am shocked that you refer to my anime soulmate as 'the other one.'

Malon: Soulmate? You hurl yourself off buildings?

A.A: I threw myself off a locker once...

Others look at anime animal unimpressed.

A.A: OK, the woodsman will be the bald non camp carpenter dude.

Bald Non Camp Carpenter Dude Whose Name I Can't Remember (BNCCDWNICR): At last, I have my own claim to faim!

Impa: You can't call him BNCCDWNICR.

A.A: Why?

Impa: Because it's weird.

A.A: OK then. BNCCDWNICR will be called Bob. All in favour say aye.

All: Aye.

Epona: Neigh!

Nabooru: You were dying to put that in weren't you?

A.A: Yeah *grins*

Nabooru rolls her eyes.

A.A: OK, now it's time to name the dwar.. I mean vertically challenged people. Ganondorf will be Avaricious...

Malon: Like we didn't already know that.

Ganondorf: *sings to the tune of Bootylicious* My body's too avaricious for ya babe!

A.A: Ohhhh kaaaaaaay. Malon will be Pre Menstrual.

Malon: What?!

Mido: Ha ha!

A.A: Mido will be Pretentious.

Mido: Pre what?

Malon: *grumbles* It's better than Pre Menstrual.

A.A: Rauru will be Gluttonous.

Ruto: What do you mean 'Will be?' He already is!

Rauru: I may be a tub of lard but lard does have feelings. *sniff*

A.A: Saria will be Hyperactive...

Saria: Does that mean I have to bounce off the walls?

A.A: Very probably. Nabooru will be...

Nabooru: Sexay!

A.A: Um, no. You're going to be Fake Tanned.

Nabooru: Oh. But this is natural!

A.A: And Tingle can be Schizophrenic.

Saria: Um, Tingle's in hospital after Plum mauled him.

A.A: Oh.

Saria: And he says that he's going to call Claims Direct and sue you.

A.A: Does he now?

Saria: Yes. And Budweiser are sending you the vet's bill after the frog choked on Navi.

A.A: Oh. So, I guess Ruto will have to double part. Ruto, you can be Indecently Exposed.

Ruto: Why?

A.A: Cause you are.

Ruto: But I don't want to be indecently exposed! A girl has to remain modest of her physical attributes.

Everyone else looks at her strangely.

Malon: Wake up and smell the haddock Ruto, you already ARE indecently exposed.

Ruto looks at herself.

Ruto: Holy cow, so I am! I have to go and do my bikini line!

Everyone shudders violently and horribly as Ruto runs away to find some wax.

Ganondorf: I am going to have nightmares about that.

Everyone: Mmm Hmm.

A.A: OK everyone, places. Here comes

SNOW ANJU AND THE SEVEN VERTICALLY CHALLENGED PEOPLE!

It would appear that Fairytales Gone Wrong Land is possessed of some very odd things, be they glass slippers, magic Ocarinas or strange talking mirrors that look strangely like Zoras...

Lulu: Psst!

A.A: What? When did you get here?

Lulu: Ruto asked me to cover for her in the mirror bit, she's a bit red and blotchy and she pulled some scales off. It's not a pretty sight.

A.A: Ew ew ew!

Lulu: So is it OK if I'm the mirror?

A.A: S'OK.

Now, one of Fairytales Gone Wrong Land's many kingdoms was suffering a bit of a downer. The King of this random kingdom had just died. Now, this would have been OK had he not been married to a total and utter be-atch. This nasty lady was very very mean to his precious little daughter Snow Anju who should really have been queen, but because the nasty lady was such a be-atch, she wouldn't let Snow Anju have her pretty shiny crown and throne and asked her faithful woodsman Bob to take her to the forest and have her executed. This might seem a little bit harsh, but the be-atch queen had this really rather groovy mirror that could only speak the truth...

Saria: A bit like the Magical Sitar in Moulin Rouge?

A.A: Yes, but this is a mirror.

Saria: But it's Lulu.

A.A: I know it's Lulu, but for the sake of the story she's a mirror.

Impa: Should I say my line now?

A.A: Yes.

Impa: OK. Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?

Lulu: The fairest of them all eh? Well, this could take a while. The fairest of the Sheikah would be you because you're the only one left, and the fairest of the Zoras would be me because I haven't ripped half my scales off with Imac strips...

A.A: Ew ew ew!

Impa: Before you gross out the author any further, you're supposed to say that Snow Anju is the fairest of them all...

Lulu: But isn't Zelda prettier than her?

Impa: Yes, but...

Lulu: So that means that I'm not telling the truth, which makes me a magical lying mirror.

Impa: Yes.

Lulu: So therefore that makes the whole concept of a mirror that can only speak the truth redundant.

Impa: Yes, but you forget that this is a Fairytale Gone Wrong so you are allowed to lie.

A.A: Nice save.

Impa: Thanks.

Lulu: Oh alright then. Queeny once you looked real hot,

But now I am afraid you do not.

There is one person who's prettier than you, 

In this weird story it is Anju.

A.A: Nice rhymes!

Lulu: *grins* Thank you.

Impa: Dang and blast it, this cannot do! Bob!

Bob scurries in, bowing like Manuel.

Saria: Who exactly is Manuel?

A.A: Oh for the love of Mike, look up Fawlty Towers on Yahoo!

Saria: OK. But who's Mike?

A.A: You know, that is a very good question...

Bob: You're ruining my acting debut!

A.A: Everybody, scat!

Lulu: Scat a beebedy boobidy babbity bee bop.

Everyone looks at her as though she has grown another head.

Lulu: Well, you told me to scat, and I did. Let's scat some jazz!

Ganondorf: *sings* I don't think you're ready for this jelly, I don't think you're ready for this jelly...

A.A: I no longer have any control over this fic. These people have a mind of their own. I may have to leave...

Everyone: YAY!

anime animal glares at everyone.

Everyone: Still YAY!

Ganondorf: *to Malon* Now I know why she's soulmates with the other one...

Malon: The glare that froze a thousand ships...

A.A: That's it! From your lack of disrespect I have decided to call upon my new friend to help me keep you in order.

Ruto: *wearing a wrap around sarong* This would be her little friend in her head.

A.A: Grr...

anime animal's eyes narrow to slits.

A.A: I was going to show leniency, but now I have no choice. All of you are subjected to three hours of Barney videos, with no refreshment breaks.

Everyone: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Nabooru: *in a dazed trance* I love you, you love me...

Ganondorf: Makeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstop!

Impa: I don't see why everyone has to be subjected to it. I've been 100% cooperative.

Lulu: Cough cough suck up! Cough.

Bob bursts into tears.

Bob: You're destroying my acting career! Waaaaaaaaah!

A.A: I am going to give you all one last chance. However, if you misbehave just an incy wincy bit, then I will be forced to sic Sonic on you.

All: _Sonic?!_

Ruto: You traitor! You're supposed to have a Legend of Zelda and Nintendo addiction!

A.A: OK, let me set you straight. One, I've been hooked to LOZ since hearing the somewhat whiny tones of Cartoon Link in the cartoon with the infamous catchphrase that my mother still uses when I get stroppy.

All: Well Excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me Princess.

A.A: *grins* I love that. Two, Ocarina of Time is the most sensational, fantastic, unspeakably brilliant video game created by the hand of God, known to his friends as Mr Miyamoto and will never be beaten. NEVER.

anime animal waves at Mr Miyamoto

A.A: Arigato gozaimasu to ai shiteru Miyamoto-san!

All:...

A.A: But my third and final point is that long before Ocarina of Time was ever a cartridge there used to be a little blue 32-bit hedgehog who used to run around on my TV beating up robots and freeing all kinds of cute and furry animals as well as having a cartoon that was on at six o'clock on a Saturday morning that I used to watch religiously. And while Zelda games (or any game featuring my two favourite Hylians i.e. Smash Bros Melee) come top of my list everytime, Sonic will always be my second favourite.

Anju: *sniff* That is such a beautiful story!

The others look at her strangely.

Anju: Well it is!

A.A: So unless you start behaving then I am going to have to get the entire Sonic crew to come and beat you up. Is that understood?!

Ganondorf: Show me a hedgehog that I couldn't run over with my horse, I dare you.

A.A: Actually I thought I'd get Robotnik to sit on you.

Ganondorf: OK, I'll cooperate!

A.A: Excellent. Bob, Anju, into the woods!

Anju: Oh dear, it's dark and creepy and horrible in here and I don't like it.

Bob: Never mind Snow Anju, you'll be dead in a minute so the creepy trees won't bother you anymore.

Anju: WHAT?!

Bob: I said the creepy trees…

Anju: I heard what you said, I was saying 'what' in disbelief. I don't want to die!

Snow Anju starts to cry.

Bob: Oh Gods, don't start crying on me. Look, I'll tell you what, if you run away and never come back again, I'll fob your step-mother off with some story that you're actually dead but you'll be fine.

Anju: *sniff*

Bob: Off you go now.

Snow Anju runs off into the woods, having totally forgotten that they're supposed to scary.

Anju: No I haven't, it's just that I know I'll be safe in here, there are probably ents and this forest looks like Mirkwood…

anime animal begins to drool.

A.A: Legolas… Orlando…

Anju: Oh hell, now look what I've done.

Darunia appears and drags anime animal away.

Darunia: OK now, let's take you away so that you can get some help about this obsession…

A.A: It's not fair, _I_ should have met him in the street and not my so-called friend Bea, it's not fair!!!!!!!

Darunia: Come on now, let's go and make a cup of tea…

A.A: But who's going to finish the story?

Darunia: Good point.

Anju walks along, whistling to herself. On closer inspection, one can hear that the song she is singing is in fact…

Anju: I don't think you're ready for this jelly, I don't think you're ready for this jelly, I don't think you're ready for the-is…

Ganondorf: Mah body's too bootylicious fo-or-or-or ya bay-beh eh eh eh eh ah!

Anju: Ganondorf, what is the obsession with Destiny's Child?

Ganondorf: How long have you got?

A.A: G-Dorf, my man…

Ganondorf: G-Dorf?

A.A: Yeah, term of endearment…

Ganondorf: Endearment? Wah, she has a crush on me!

A.A: Heh heh, NO!

Ganondorf: Why does no one like me?

A.A: You're evil. No one is supposed to like you. Anyway, your line is…

Ganondorf: I know, I know. Oh pretty girl who we think is really rather special, won't you come and live in our little dwarf…

A.A: Vertically challenged person's house…

Ganondorf: Vertically challenged person's house.

Anju: Um, our? We?

Ganondorf: Yeah! Roll call! Avaricious… *cackles evilly*

Malon: *grumbles* Pre Menstrual…

Nabooru: *rubs in fake tan* Fake Tanned…

Saria: *bouncing up and down* Hyperactive… Mido: *puffing out chest* Pretentious… 

Rauru: *stuffing face with cake* Gluttonous…

Ruto: *wincing* In considerable amounts of pain and considering Imac next time… I mean, Indecently Exposed.

A.A: Ew ew ew!

Anju smiles in a frightened sort of way, considering the fact that everyone except Mido and Saria are on their knees with trainers tied to them.

Anju: It's very nice to meet you all… *coughs* freaks!

They all go into the Vertically Challenged People's house. Meanwhile, back at the evil Queen's castle…

Impa: Bob, did you by any happy chance kill that nasty Snow Anju?

Bob: *snickers* Yes I did.

Impa: Do you have something up your nose or was that ridiculous noise just you laughing and pretending that I am so stupid that I did not notice the fact that you let Snow Anju off Scot-free?

Bob: Um…

Snow Anju: Oh this is ridiculous. If you want something done, do it yourself!

She gets huffy and puts a black pointy hat and picks up an apple.

Impa: Luckily, I prepared this witch's outfit and poisoned apple because I knew you'd betray me. Good henchmen are surprisingly hard to find these days…

Bob: *gulp*

Impa: So when I come back, I expect to find you tarred and feathered and wearing a ribbon with a card that has the words 'For Ruto's Pleasure Only' written on it.

Ruto: Hey!

Bob: Oh no, please no. Anything but that!

A.A: Impa, are you sure you have no evil genes in you?

Impa: Oh no, I'm just a very convincing actress.

A.A: Good, cause with a punishment like that, you're really giving G-Dorf a run for his money.

Ruto and Ganondorf: HEY!

Back to the small house. Anju is sweeping the floor.

Anju: Now I know where Zelda was coming from with her demands of action from the House Elf Liberation Front…

A.A: Now now, don't go down that road. They'll get tired of it. And ??? doesn't like Harry Potter.

Anju: Oops. Sorry.

A.A: Carry on.

Anju: Like all the great Fairytale heroines I wish to be swept off my feet by a handsome prince. Someone tall, and blonde, and wearing green…

Kafei *from off stage*: HEY! 

Anju: Well sweetie, you've never actually saved anyone. That's Link's job.

Kafei: But you still love me?

Anju: Yes.

Kafei: Good enough for me.

Anju: OK, let me sing a suitable song for this manual labour which I've been forced to do. 

A.A: If it's Bootylicious, I'm going to have to set my dog on you.

Anju: So what do I sing while I'm doing manual labour…Hang on, didn't I just run away from this?

A.A: Um, yes.

Anju: So why am I putting up with it _again _and this time from a whole load of scary Zelda characters with trainers tied to their knees?

A.A: Cause it's in the story…

Anju: OK, by now Zelda and Link would have ended the story in an inconvenient and abrupt place by running off to do unmentionable things to each other. Why is this not OK for me?

A.A: Because to you, I am God. 

Anju: And?

A.A: Well… I'm God.

Impa: Hello?

A.A: Saved by the Sheikah!

Anju: Hello.

Impa: Do you want an apple? This is a very nice apple that you're going to enjoy eating because it's special. And no, I'm not your wicked stepmother in a pointy hat.

Anju: I'd love an apple. Thankyou.

Anju eats the apple and falls on the floor, presumably dead. Vertically challenged people run in. (Or try to, it's not easy to run on your knees…)

Everyone: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Impa: Hahahaha ha! Now my evil plan is complete!

She vanishes in a puff of smoke.

Malon: OK, so what do we do with the body in the kitchen?

Saria: What body?

Malon: Anju's body.

Mido: Anju's body isn't in the kitchen.

Everyone stares at the floor where Anju's body is meant to be.

Ganondorf: Wah, the body's run away!

Rauru: Ooh, apple.

Rauru eats the apple and falls on the floor, presumably dead.

Ruto: So what do we do about _that _body and the missing one?

Nabooru checks Rauru's pulse.

Nabooru: It's OK, he's still alive.

Rauru produces flatulence.

All: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

A.A: Heh heh, I told you to behave. Now find Anju!

The vertically challenged people run around the house looking for Anju.

Saria *looking in cupboard*: Anju?

Mido *looking behind sofa*: Anju?

Ganondorf *looking in bathtub*: Anju?

Ruto *looking in toilet*: Anju?

A.A: OK, why?

Ruto: You never know…

Nabooru: Panic over, I've found them!

All: THEM?! 

The Vertically Challenged people follow Nabooru upstairs where we discover Anju and Kafei are making out on a bed.

Anju: We got bored.

Kafei: Yep.

Anju: And we thought 'If Zelda and Link can use the bedroom up here for carnal activities then so can we.'

Saria: There's a carnival up here?

anime animal slaps her palm against her head.

Zelda *sticking her head out from underneath a duvet*: Do you mind? We're trying to get some us time here…

Link *sticking his head out from underneath the same duvet*: Yeah.

Ruto: You've done it again! My Gods, you're sullying the entire Fairytale World!

Malon: You two should be ashamed of yourselves.

Zelda: Four.

Link: Yeah, four!

Anju: Oh come off it, if we can't have lemons anymore then what are we supposed to do? We can't be celibate for the rest of our lives.

Kafei: And as long as we're all consenting adults then I don't see what the problem is.

A.A: I agree. If people are mature enough to handle scenes and activities of an adult nature then I see no reason at all in such material being banned.

Impa: You're bitching about it again…

A.A: Yes I am bitching about it again. BRING BACK NC-17!

Saria: I think I'll end this before we get into a debate…

                                             THE END!

A.A: This is not the end, it's the beginning!

Zelda: She means of her rant, not the story. It's definitely the end.

Link: Can I rant too?

Zelda: Yes, let's all rant together.

Link, Zelda and anime animal: BRING BACK NC-17!

(next up on Fairytales Go Wrong… Hansel and Gretel…)

Right, I'm off to pack for Greece. More updates coming next week!


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